Long distance relationships are hard enough there is very little personal contact and the crux of the relationship involves what amounts to be blind faith in the other person. You’re trying to get a feel of each other putting your best foot forward. When you have a partner with poor health,and one that is chronically ill, it really does throw a wrench in things.
My boyfriend learned very quickly that my health or lack there of made for a situation where there was never a dull moment. I can’t count the number of times we spent together talking at night and I would just suddenly fall asleep. Not intentionally mind you. My true objective was to stay awake and have a lovely interaction. However, my body seemed to have other ideas.
My Declining Health
A month or two after we formally began dating I started to feel weak.
I was growing tired on the verge of exhaustion and my health was growing worse as time progressed. Then came the asthma- like symptoms the warm and conditions in Puerto Rico caused in part for my breathing to become more compromised. Shortly thereafter I began a steady stream of doctors visits emergency room stints and what can only be described as blind treatments since I was given medications for an ailment that no one could decipher.
Puerto Rico as a general rule of thumb has a very archaic and primitive system of medicine. While they have modern tools for aid in diagnosis they are unable to think outside the box and find innovative methods to find alternative reasoning for a given ailment. As a result, my negative lab results were met with a dismissive attitude.
Instead on countless occasions I was made to feel I was loosing my mind. Medical doctors who had no experience or valid knowledge of mental health saw fit to tell me my ailments were products of emotional disturbance and that my symptoms were in fact psychosomatic. All the while my heath and constitution became steadily dire.
As this process was going on I tried my best to hide my nightmarish situation from my boyfriend. Prior experiences had taught me that once a suitor discovered my complex medical history they would run for the hills shortly there after. For the next few months I hid my poor health, at times making an oscar winning actress envious. However as time continued to pass and my health became more and more delicate, not even I could hide the gravity of the situation.
We had many heated discussion about me keeping this process from him. He was hurt that I thought so little of him. He was mad that I did not trust him to help me, in spirit, to deal with my situation. I finally broke down and explained my medical history from its inception. I explained terminology causes and side effects if any. He seemed to take it in stride at times conducting his own research to gain more knowledge. The last thing I discussed was my current situation.
He was angry and frustrated at the lax medical intervention I was receiving. Slowly feelings of impotence played on his emotions. Everything came to a head when I was admitted to the hospital on suspicion of a pulmonary embolism. By this time secretly I felt my imminent death. My breaths were ragged and just sitting up was a chore. One night when visiting hours were over he did what I always feared. Out of his own fear and desperation, he tried to leave me before my death would cause me to leave him.
Needless to say, I was not thrilled with the prospect and stated my hurt and frustration. My raw emotions clear as day he asked for time and I conceded. The end of that call left me numb. Alone in my hospital room listening to the first song he ever dedicated to me I cried. I cried for my loss I cried in frustration I cried in anger I cried in resignation. The next day I dug in the recesses of my soul for the will of the warrior I housed within. With renewed focus and determination I decided to fight .
Rather than fighting for those around me I fought for myself,to prove to myself that I was alive for a reason. I had a purpose which I had yet to find. Just when I thought my boyfriend exited my life, he contacted me. He finally explained his fears. He also told me a dear friend of ours made him see reason. He could not penalize me for something that was beyond my control .
That day we renewed our promise to each other and from then on we presented a united front dealing with the illness that till this day is a part of my life.